Another disappointment and mixed feelings

Recently, we were matched with a sibling pair.  We never got to meet the children but their worker contacted us, interviewed us and selected us.  There was a long history to sort thru and in the end there were too many concerns for us to move forward.  This was not taken lightly and not done without guilt.  Since then I have been checking the website praying that they will be matched.  They so deserve to have a forever family and people that will love them unconditionally.  It just wasn't the right match for our family for reasons I cannot get into. 
Today, I looked and see that they have been matched.  It is a bitter/sweet feeling. I am so glad they have been matched but kind of sad because there was a time when I was picturing them as part of my family. Even though we had not met them, in my heart and mind, they were already part of my family.  It's a strange feeling.  All I can do is continue to pray and have faith in God's plan. 

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A failed match

About 7 years ago we got a call from the agency that there was a unique situation where a birthmother of a 1 and 2 year old wanted to give her children up for adoption.  She was a young mother and was struggling to give her children what she knew they deserved.  She had looked at our book and had wanted to meet my husband and I to interview us.  Of course we agreed to meet with her.
We were super nervous going into it but confident in what we had to offer.  The meeting went really well and we felt more and more at ease the more we talked.  We left there feeling really good about the situation and hoping that she would choose us to adopt her children.  Not long after, we got a call that we were chosen and set up a time to meet the children. We met them at their apartment and spent some time with them and the birthmother.  The next visit we spent time alone with the kids and eventually we got to take them to our house and for overnights.  It was all going very well.  The birthfather was not involved and his rights had been terminated but there was some concern about his parents wanting the children.  The birthmother though had been very against them having the kids and really wanted us to adopt them.  The kids would have still had a relationship with their birthmother in this open adoption situation.
It was the day of the court hearing to terminate her parental rights and the birthmom asked us to watch the kids while she went to court to sign off her rights as a parent.  I had to work that day so my husband was home with the kids.  I got a call from my husband that the agency called and said she did not go thru with it and we had to return the kids to the agency right away.  WHAT????
I can still remember the feeling of my heart breaking at that moment.  I had to make up something to leave work and get home ASAP so that I could go with my husband to take the kids back.  It was so shocking!  We walked into the agency and took the kids over to their mom and she couldn't say a word.  Of course, I don't blame her, there's nothing she could have or should have said at that point.  We were trying to keep it together for the kid's sake because they didn't understand what had been going on anyway, being only 1 & 2 years old.  It took a lot of time and a lot of tears to get thru those next days and weeks.
Eventually, these things that we have to go thru make more sense but when it's happening you don't see beyond the pain.  It's something that my husband and I will never forget and something that made us stronger together.  I still think of and pray for those kids and their mom and wish them nothing but the best.  These kids were not meant to be ours because God had a special gift coming for us, we just didn't know it yet.  Everything happens for a reason!

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Another home visit

So, today we had another home visit.  This one is for our foster license.  It went very well.  We are getting to know our social worker pretty well by now so these visits get more comfortable but are still nerve racking.  It's another one of those experiences that you don't understand unless you have been through it.  As I have said many times, this is a very invasive process and I understand that they are putting children in our care and therefore have to do what they can to ensure we are a safe home/ family.  However, it still feels very strange to have people come into our home and assess how good of parents they think we will be to a child. 
In any case, the visit went well and we are really ready to grow our family.  We have been through a lot with this process and are really anxious for another child.  More to come on the details of what all we have been through.

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Introduction to me

Hi, my name is Shelley.  The journey for us started about 9 years ago.  I was diagnosed with endometriosis after having surgery to remove a huge cyst on my ovary.  This was a pretty traumatic diagnosis as I knew it was a leading cause of infertility and I had always wanted to be a mom.  My doctor advised that if I wanted to get pregnant, right after surgery would be the best time because she "cleaned up" as much of the endometriosis as she could.  My husband and I had not been really trying to get pregnant but had not been trying to prevent it either.  Being that we both wanted children, we began to try.  The doctor advised that since it was stage 4, we only try for 6 months on our own before seeking medical help.  Six months later we started to see a fertility specialist.  We went through lots of testing and lots of procedures but could never get pregnant.  After spending a couple years and LOTS and LOTS of money, we decided to look at other options.  Adopion was an easy place for me to get to since there had been a lot of adoption stories in my extended and immediate family.  My husband was new to the adoption idea though and was unsure of how his very traditional parents would handle the idea.  In a short time, we both were in the same place with it and decided it was our path. 
We started with an orientation and then classes and lots and lots of paperwork and home visits and background checks and finally we were approved to adopt.  The process alone was a lot to go through and for those lucky enough to have successful pregnancies, you can't imagine what it's like to need a stranger's approval to tell you that you are good enough to parent.  It's a very invasive process. 
So, now we were approved and waiting, and waiting, and waiting.  It was over a year that we waited before we got our son.  He is now 6 years old and the greatest kid in the world.  We are now trying to expand our family.  We went thru the special needs adoption program this time and have been approved since June 2010, so we are waiting again.  We are currently getting licensed to foster so as to have all of our options open since we are stil waiting.  We know that the perfect match for our family will come to us in God's time. It is a true test of faith to go through this process.  We have definitely learned that God's time is not usually the same as our time, but His is the right time and are confident that our match will happen.  So, that's a little bit about who I am and I'd love to hear your stories about adoption, fostering, or any related topics.

Thanks for reading!